Bachelor Beck
by BrownEyedGirl93
Summary: Now that Beck is single, he decides to hold auditions for his new girlfriend. First Hollywood Arts people, then celebrities. Keep in mind, this is a PARODY! That being said, I bet I can make you laugh!


**A/N: This spoof was inspired by the "Tom Cruise New Wife Auditions" video on YouTube by barelypolitical, my favorite YouTube channel. **

**I like Victorious and all, but I LOVE writing parodies. So if you can't take a joke, don't read! **

**Disclaimer: Don't own Victorious.**

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**…**

Beck sits in a director's chair on the improv room's stage after school and taps his pen on his notepad. Since Beck and Jade broke up and he can't stand being single, he decides to hold auditions for the coveted role of his new girlfriend at Hollywood Arts. Why not, right? He's the hottest guy at school, and every girl wants to be with him. And after the whole "Jade" experience, he wants to make sure he picks someone who is worthy of his time and love.

And this is Hollywood Arts, so there has to be an audition…what better way to make sure every girl got a fair chance, right? And judging from the long line of girls that were waiting for their turn and the large cluster of people in the audience, it seemed like he had a pretty good turnout.

Well, time to get started! First on the list was Trina Vega. _Of course._

**…**

**Beck**: Okay Trina, obvious question first: why do you want to be my girlfriend?

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**Trina**: Well, like I told you before, I've always thought we'd be the perfect couple 'cause we're both hot and talented. You should give me a chance; I'm a really fun girl! Just 'cause I'm the desperate, wannabe-cool character of the show doesn't mean I'm not good in bed! (winks)

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**Beck**: Um…okay…what can you offer me that other girls can't?

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**Trina**: I have NO gag reflex. (winks again)

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**Beck**: Well, okay…you know, I think that's all I need to—

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**Trina**: Not so fast. I'm not even close to finished—the show requires me to do something outrageous, disgusting, or horrible every time I audition for something. Actually, that's every two minutes of screen time; it's in my contract. So if you'll excuse me…(rips off jumpsuit to reveal a pole dancer outfit)

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**Beck**: (looks disgusted because all the characters on the show are required to look at Trina with nothing but disgust)

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**Trina**: (gets up on a piano, singing loudly and terribly) IF I WAS YOUR GIRLFRIEND, I'D NEVER LET YOU GO! SHOW YOU HOW TO DO THINGS YOU 'AINT NEVA DONE BEFO! I COULD BE A COUGAR; YOU COULD BE MY BOYTOY! YOU COULD BE APPEALING, I COULD BE DISGUSTING! OPPOSITES ATTRACT! I'LL TRY TO MAKE THIS RHYME, BUT IT JUST WON'T WORK! 'CAUSE I'M HORRIBLE AT EVERYTHING AND A FAILURE AT LIFE! And despite this, I think I'm talented and I'm sure I'll get the part! So GO ME!

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**Beck**: Okay, okay, that's all I need to see…you can go now.

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**Trina**: Okay! Oh, look, my sister's next! Good luck following me! (cackles at Tori and walks off stage)

…

Tori walks up on stage excitedly.

…

**Beck**: So Tori…you're the happy-go-lucky protagonist with the fresh face and "talent" of a Disney star. You could have any guy at this school wrapped around your little finger in a matter of seconds because they made your character the perfect stereotypical mix of funny, nice and cute…why do you want to be my girlfriend?

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**Tori**: Well, I think we'd be perfect for each other because I was the quirky and friendly new girl at school and you were the hottest guy who was dating the mean girl. It only makes sense that we get together at some point—all those cliché rom-coms exist for a reason, they show us who's meant to be together and who's meant to get shoved to the side (coughs) Jade! And I can think of a million songs that would apply to us…You Belong With Me, Girlfriend, If We Were A Movie…

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**Beck**: Brilliant answer, I've often felt the same way. Come here…oh wait…never mind, I just realized I'm in love with Jade and I could never even think about another woman. Actually, on second thought…(looks torn)

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**Tori**: You don't have to decide right now, take as much time as you need. Even if it's three seasons in, I bet there'll still be some Bori fans out there! Maybe this time, the show _won't_ go with popular opinion which is the cliché opposites-attract couple! And I don't care how much you remind me of a dog chasing two squirrels that are going in different directions; I'll take you with open arms when you realize you're in love with me!

…Well, just as long as Jade and I can stay friends—sort of. I mean, I wanna be her BFF and everything, even though she's been nothing but rude to me ever since I got here. But I also want to marry you and live happily ever after. Ooh, maybe she can be a bridesmaid! (claps excitedly)

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**Beck**: Hmm…so, why should I consider you for this role?

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**Tori**: Well, like you said, I'm the perfect mix of quirky, nice and cute. And I'm likable, you know that's hard to find. And it'll be a welcome change from your last relationship. I may have seemed easy when you first met me, but I'm not _that_ easy. I'll make you work for it, even though it'll take every ounce of my self-control to not rip your clothes off and jump you. It'll be super-hard since you are the HOTTEST thing I've ever laid eyes on and pretty much the reason I decided to stay at Hollywood Arts.

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**Beck**: Okay…so can we kiss? Though I'm warning you…this may or may not be an attempt to get over Jade by kissing someone who's nothing like her.

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**Tori**: Absolutely not! Can't you see I'm a saint and would never do such a thing to our beloved Jadelyn? I will NOT kiss you until she says it's okay! Even though I _did_ kiss you once while you guys were still dating…and I kissed Cat's boyfriend while they were still dating…but come on, it's season three! I'm so much more mature now!

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**Beck**: (mulls this over, then has a lightbulb moment) I'VE GOT IT! I KNOW WHAT WE CAN DO!

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**Tori**: What? (looks eager)

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**Beck**: Well, a lot of fans want Bade, but some like Bori and others still like Jori…there's only one way to satisfy everyone. Wait for it…BADEORI! Gosh, why doesn't anyone ship that?

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**Tori**: (stares blankly)

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**Beck**: You know…a threesome?

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**Tori**: I'm…a role-model character on a Nickelodeon show…I don't know what that means.

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**Beck**: Oh, come on…you're seventeen and they toss out inappropriate jokes all the time, you should know what that means…and can't you infer what it is from the name?

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**Tori**: (eyes widen as the meaning sinks in) Oh! Well, no offense Beck, but I'd rather have my first lesbian relationship with Jade than do _that_ with the two of you.

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**Beck**: Well, call me when you come to your senses and change your mind! (waves her off) NEXT!

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Tori hangs her head and walks off stage. Cat comes on, carrying a bottle of bubble solution and a bubble wand.

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**Beck**: Um, Cat? What are you doing here? I thought you were supposed to be my only platonic female friend on this show! Not to mention the fact that they made your character ditzy to the point of being mentally challenged for the sole purpose of getting cheap oh-she's-so-stupid laughs. So you're too big of an airhead to ever function in a normal relationship…but I suppose I don't blame you for trying; I _am_ pretty irresistible. So I guess I'll humor you. Why do you want this role?

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**Cat**: (blows out bubbles and blinks twice, smiling stupidly)

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**Beck**: Um…okay. What can you offer me that others can't?

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**Cat**: (does a little jump and spins around, blowing out more bubbles)

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**Beck**: Well that's…one thing. Um, why should I consider you for this role?

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**Cat**: (makes a sucking noise and smiles again)

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**Beck**: (looks confused because he's almost positive Cat didn't mean that in a dirty way) Um…why aren't you talking? I mean, if you wanna be my girlfriend, this is your chance to impress me!

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**Cat**: Wait, your girlfriend?! I thought this was an audition to be your new _goldfish!_

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**Beck**: (smacks his forehead in frustration) What?! No! Why would I…ugh!

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**Cat**: (giggles) Wow, that's embarrassing! One time, my brother had a goldfish, and I always used to stare at it and—

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**Beck**: (interrupting) Okay, we get it! You're a spaz and you have a brother!

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**Cat**: (face falls)

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**Beck**: Uh, but I'll tell you one thing…if I _was_ holding auditions for my new goldfish, you definitely would've gotten the part!

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**Cat**: (face lights up) YAYYY! (runs off stage happily)

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**Beck**: (rolls his eyes) NEXT!

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Robbie walks up on stage, carrying Rex who is dressed as a girl.

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**Beck**: Oh God…is that Rex?!

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**Robbie**: Psh, no! Rex is uh, out of town for the week! This is his cousin…Joetta!

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**Beck**: _Joetta?!_ (squints at the obvious wig on "Joetta's" head)

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**Robbie**: Yeah! Um, say hi, Joey! ("Joey" waves)

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**Rex**: (whispers to Robbie) Man, there aint enough money in the world for you to pay me back for this!

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**Robbie**: (whispers to Rex) Shh! If I set Beck up with a girl, maybe he'll return the favor and set _me_ up!

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**Beck**: Maybe I would if you'd gotten me an actual girl!

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Robbie and Rex whirl around as they realize Beck had heard them.

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**Robbie**: Do I _look_ like I have an extra supply of those?!

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**Beck**: NEXT!

**…**

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**A/N: So, what do you guys think so far?! It's hard to write a parody for **_**Victorious**_** since I actually like the show…but did it totally suck? Or was it okay?**

**I'll do more chapters if enough people like this, so REVIEW!**

**And if you like Bade, be sure to check out my other stories!**


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